


Baby Blue's and Hard Liquor

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Idiots in Love, M/M, Missing Scene, Stucky - Freeform, bucky is a smoll marshmallow on the inside, post-serum Steve, steve does like peggy but he loves bucky, the first avenger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4464767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stole a glance at Steve who was greatly enjoying her company and then to the floor as she left the room and he watched her go. Steve's future.</p><p>"I might as well be invisible. I'm starting to turn into you," he groaned and hoped that Steve didn't read too much into it. Some part of him wished he had of died at Hydra's hands, it would hurt less than losing Steve. Selfish, selfish, selfish. </p><p>[we're like fire and gasoline<br/>I'm no good for you<br/>you're no good for me]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Blue's and Hard Liquor

**Author's Note:**

> There's a scene in The First Avenger in the bar and Bucky is beyond sad and Steve seems to only see it once before Bucky breaks contact and tries to fix the situation with humor. After that we see Peggy and Bucky acts strange to say the least. They talk and we don't know what happens next - simply see Steve leaning over a map in the following scene. I wanted to fill in the blank.

The bar was crowded and much too warm with so many bodies stuffed into a small space. Even surrounded by fellow soldiers (some he might even consider friends) Bucky felt alone. He had survived Hydra and made it to this point. Everything was intact - his body, his mind (though somewhat fuzzy), his memories. Everything but his heart. He recalled how Steve had barreled through blistering flames and practically dragged him away from Hydra and for a moment he'd thought he was hallucinating again. It wouldn't have been the first time. But this time Steve had been real, flesh and bone and taller than he'd remembered. Gone was the scrawny kid from Brooklyn whose heart was bigger than his chest, who needed Bucky by his side to keep him out of trouble.

 _He doesn't need me anymore._ He tossed back another shot just as he sensed more than saw that Steve was rounding the corner. He was wearing a freshly pressed uniform, hair neatly parted off to the side but he was still Steve underneath it all. They'd came a long way from the shanty one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn and he couldn't help but feel an ache in his chest. He'd planned it all perfectly: he would fight in this war and come back home, Steve would be safe and waiting, he'd read in a chair while Steve pinned more of his drawings to the wall and they'd scrape together enough money to buy a few groceries. It wasn't much but they would be happy. And then Steve had ripped the rug right out from under his feet. _Don't do anything stupid until I come back._

 *

Bucky turned from his seat at the bar, "See? Told you they're all idiots."

Steve took a seat beside of him and sat down the beer that he'd hardly touched.

"How 'bout you? Are you ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?," he cast a sideways look at Bucky as he waited.

Bucky sighed and decided to finally stop biting his tongue. Being captured by Hydra, Steve looking and acting completely different, the thought of Steve fighting alone...it all swelled to the surface. Try as he might, he couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes so he chose to focus on his drink.

"I don't know. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him," he cracked a small smile as he met Steve's eyes. 

Steve knew, he always did even when Bucky covered his feelings with humor. 

The expression Steve gave him now said everything _You really did think I was worth it didn't you? Even then, even now. I'm still him, please know that._ _I still need you._

Bucky stared back for a moment - long enough for Steve to see right through him before Steve started looking down, to the side, anywhere but at Bucky. For a moment he looked like the skinny kid he'd rescued from too many fights. It should've been comforting but instead it _hurt_. He felt completely exposed - he'd let too much show. When it came to Steve he had always put up a brave front. To Steve he was Bucky Barnes - a Casanova who was always there to protect him, someone who exuded self confidence but now? Now he didn't have the strength to pretend. He was bone tired in every possible way.  


He leaned toward Steve and whispered, with a wink that Steve missed, "You're gonna keep the suit, right?"  _Forget what you saw in my eyes, just forget it._

Steve looked over him once - took in the ragged uniform, the scruff that covered his face, the dirty hair and eyes that seemed to be somewhere else. This wasn't the Bucky he remembered. . Gone was the suave ladies man and in his place was a broken man who had seen things he never should've seen. It hurt to see him like this, hurt even more to ask him to go back to the place he'd barely escaped from.  


Sweeping his eyes to a Captain America poster that hung on the wall behind them (reading: CANCELED) he grinned and said, "You know, it's kind of growing on me." 

 

For a moment they eased back into the comfort of one another only to be interrupted. 

Scrambling to their feet they watched as Agent Carter entered the room. She wore a bright red dress that hugged her curves, hair perfectly curled and pinned at the side, scarlet lipstick to match. She was beautiful. 

Bucky skimmed his eyes over her body and stood to the side of them. _I can't compete with that. What do I even have to offer?  A shabby apartment in Brooklyn and no money; hardly compares with what she could give him and shes clearly interested._

"Sargent Barnes, Captain Rogers,"  she greeted them with a smile.  


Bucky nodded, unsure of exactly what he was supposed to say.

"I was thinking that when this is all over I think I'll go dancing,"  she was staring at Steve now and Bucky might as well be a ghost.

"What are we waiting for?,"  he teased but she ignored him.

"The right partner,"  she kept her eyes on Steve who seemed glued to where he was standing. 

_ She would be good for him, loyal. When the war is over he'll probably marry her and have a family. I'll be lucky if I see him every other weekend but isn't this what I've always wanted? Happiness for Steve? He's spent a lifetime struggling to survive - it's time. Somehow I always thought I'd fit into that puzzle... _

He stole a glance at Steve who was greatly enjoying her company and then to the floor as she left the room and he watched her go. _Steve's future._  


"I might as well be invisible. I'm starting to turn into you," he groaned and hoped that Steve didn't read too much into it. Some part of him wished he had of died at Hydra's hands, it would hurt less than losing Steve. _Selfish, selfish, selfish._  


"Relax Buck, she might have a friend," Steve grinned and slapped a hand on his back as he walked away. Sometimes he missed the obvious. 

 *

Bucky contemplated returning to the bar but what was the point? He could hardly feel the alcohol and if they died tomorrow he at least wanted to know that he had tried. For as long as he could remember he'd been protecting Steve - from his father, from bullies, from poverty (he'd taken the first job he could get when they'd moved in together) and he'd always put himself last. Tonight...tonight he would be selfish. 

He found Steve surrounded by the Howling Commandos, simply listening as they told stories of their past. _His_ past was right there in front of him in a starched uniform that hugged newly formed muscles and broad shoulders.  


"Gentlemen," he strode up to the table and tipped his head to the other men who grinned and raised their glasses.  _Cheers. Here's to not dying tomorrow. Here's to forgetting faces so it doesn't hurt too bad when they return in...no._

Steve moved aside to make room for him but he politely declined and leaned forward to whisper into his ear.  


"Was hoping to talk to you alone."

Steve nodded and made his goodbyes - much to the disappointment of the other men. 

 *

Bucky led them to a back room reserved for storage and closed the door behind them. Nervously darted his eyes around the room. 

_Get it together Barnes. This is **Steve**. _

_Maybe I shouldn't do this, maybe I **can't** do this. _

"Bucky is everything okay?," Steve furrowed his brows and tilted his head to the side as he always did when he was confused or focusing for that matter. Before the war Bucky would sometimes return to the apartment to see him curled up in a chair, head cocked to the side as he sketched. The place might've been a dump but Steve made it feel like home.  


"Remember that time when our only fancy chair broke and we propped it up with books? How the height would change sometimes as we'd remove a book or two to read," he said as he found a wooden box to sit on, scooted another over for Steve.

"And you'd complain when you'd sit down in it because it was closer to the floor than it should've been,"  Steve laughed and took the offered seat. _Memory lane then. Maybe I can figure out what's bothering Bucky._

Bucky seemed lost in his own thoughts for a moment before he broke the silence.

"I want you to be happy," he mumbled as he stared at his feet. 

"I am happy. I've got you. 'Till the end of the line, remember?,"  Steve countered as he nudged Bucky's knee with his own. 

"No I mean...marriage, a family. The whole deal,"  his throat felt like sandpaper - the words burned on their way out. 

"I'd like that someday,"  Steve frowned and scuffed his foot against the floor. 

"You gonna marry Peggy?,"  _way to be smooth, Barnes_. 

"I don't know. I can't really see that far ahead," Steve replied. 

Even if he were to marry Peggy there was no guarantee that they'd be happy. He wasn't even sure how to make a woman happy. Bucky? He was simple. Give him one half of the bed, a few tins of food and anything to do with science. If he were to get married he assumed Bucky would do the same and they would never be more than four blocks away from one another. Still, for reasons he'd buried long ago, he didn't like picturing Bucky with someone else. Sure he'd imagined it too many times to count - nearly every time Bucky shipped out; imagined he'd return with a beautiful woman on his arm and Steve would be pushed to the back. 

_He doesn't think of me in that way. If anything he sees me as a trouble making brother who he's forever cleaning up after._

Bucky nodded his head and looked at a smudge on the wall instead of Steve's face.  


"If you married her you would have a nice future," he tried his best not to sigh. He might as well have an anvil on his chest. 

"Maybe," Steve smirked. He could see it if he really tried. Peggy looking at him over coffee in the morning, planning out the rest of their lives together. _He could see it_. But there was always something missing, something that left him feeling hollow on the inside. 

"What about you?,"  Steve asked and bit his lip, wishing he hadn't asked. 

"You know me I'll still be in Brooklyn, maybe go back to art class," he said as he forced a smile. Art class. They'd attended together and dropped out when Bucky had joined the army in an attempt to bring in some cash and had been shipped off to Pearl Harbor not long after. They'd exchanged letters whenever possible, sometimes with months in between and he'd looked forward to every one of them. He'd felt homesick the entire time he was gone and not just for four walls and a bathtub in the kitchen in Brooklyn. He was homesick for two eyes and a heartbeat. _Home._

Steve sighed then, a heavy sound that filled up the silence between them.  


"What if it could be different?,"  Bucky allowed himself to dream for a moment - that they could be happy together. 

"How so?,"  Steve was looking at him now - really looking at him with an intensity that made Bucky quickly avert his eyes. 

"What if we stayed in Brooklyn? Maybe found a better apartment...get a dog or two?," he was pushing it and he knew it but he didn't care. It was unlikely they'd survive the rest of this war, might as well dream a bit. 

"I'd like that, Buck," Steve clapped a hand on his shoulder and grinned. He could see their entire future mapped out in front of him - arguing over what to name the dogs, flipping a coin to see whose turn it was to wash dishes, drawing Bucky when he wasn't looking and possibly eating more than canned food. It grew brighter the more he thought about it. It scared him to think that perhaps Bucky was the only family he could see himself with. 

 "Steve?," Bucky felt like his heart was loud enough for Steve to hear. 

Steve turned his head and Bucky decided to go for it. He licked his lips and put a calloused hand on Steve's cheek - gently brushed it with his thumb as Steve leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. The pale skin under his fingertips no longer felt fragile, he wanted to explore all of it. 

_If I should die tomorrow his face will be the last thought that I ever have. His face, his lips, pale fingers sketching in the darkness, long eyelashes covering eyes as blue as the ocean. All of this and nothing less._

Bucky pulled him in and brushed a thumb over a full bottom lip, allowed himself to get lost in committing every detail to memory. 

Steve's breath hitched in his chest as he closed the distance between them and wrapped his hands around Bucky's face. He pressed their foreheads together and simply breathed Bucky in. He wanted to remember everything - the faint smell of alcohol on his breath and gun powder on his uniform, the gentle brush of his thumb over sensitive skin, how his fingers curled into Steve's hair as if he were afraid to let go. 

Bucky's eyes were glassy - pupils dilated and glittering in the near dark of the storage room before he closed them once more.  


"I might be bad at this," Steve whispered. 

Bucky didn't answer. Instead he pressed a soft kiss to Steve's lips - allowed himself to linger as he sucked on his bottom lip. Steve took the initiative and wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist and drew him in closer and parted his lips - allowed Bucky's tongue to find his own. He felt as if he'd been searching for something his whole life only to find that the map was in front of him the entire time. The trails - Bucky's lips, the markers - his hands. The entire journey igniting a fire inside of him that he had tucked away in a safe place in his mind alongside various sketches of Bucky's fingers, the curve of his jaw, the crooked tilt of his lips when he smiled. He'd buried it all one stormy night after Bucky had returned home late with lipstick still on his cheek. Until now it had felt like a lost cause.  


Bucky knew he should turn back but he couldn't bring himself to, he clung to Steve with every ounce of strength left in him. 

_If this is all we have left..._

Breaking the kiss he pressed small kisses to the underside of Steve's jaw before moving to his neck - moving the stiff collar of his uniform out of the way as he went. Steve's breath came out in short hot puffs as he tilted his head to the side to allow better access.   


All too soon Bucky felt him straighten and move back an inch, chest still heaving and hair disheveled. 

_Scared_ , he looked scared.  


 "We can't do this, someone could walk in," he licked his lips and attempted to put his hair back into some semblance of order. 

Bucky nodded as he wiped his lip. 

_No regrets._

"Why didn't you tell me?,"  Steve's heart was thumping loudly in his chest, tinged with anger below the surface.  


Bucky was never one to admit when he was afraid. He'd spent ages perfecting the mask that he chose to hide behind. Had spent too many years chasing after girls in hopes that they would fill the void, that he could feel with them what he felt anytime Steve was near. In the time he'd been stationed in Pearl Harbor he'd thrown himself at them - had closed his eyes and pretended they were someone else and the thought of wanting Steve like that had made him dizzy. Still he couldn't deny that given the choice he'd happily spend the rest of his life with the skin & bones Steve Rogers he'd fallen for or any other form he took for that matter. 

"I wanted you to be happy. Steve we both know I don't have anything to offer you," he stared ahead at the door and grit his teeth. 

_I'm no good for you._

"Don't you think I might've wanted some say-so into my own happiness?,"  Steve fumed. His blood was a mixture of molten lava and gasoline right now - he felt as if he might explode at any given moment.  


"Stevie you don't want this,"  Bucky stated. 

_This was a bad idea._

Steve laughed then, a dry angry laugh and shook his head. Ran his fingers through his hair and turned Bucky to look at him.  


"Maybe I do, you jerk," he smiled and bit his lip, felt the anger melting away. Bucky stared back at him with eyes full of pain and couldn't take it. He'd do anything to keep Bucky from ever looking at him like that again. He never wanted to be the reason.   


"Till the end of the line, remember?," Steve continued and dragged Bucky in for a heady kiss that left them both dizzy. 

 *

Tomorrow they would take out Hydra together with the help of the Howling Commandos. Steve would make them pay for ever laying a finger on Bucky.  


They were almost free, they were almost happy. 


End file.
